430. The Teachings of Phra Surawat Khemachitto (Ajahn Golf) - Regret Arising During Meditation》
When we develop mindfulness, our hearts become more conscientious. We reflect on our unskillful actions of body, speech, and mind, and feelings of remorse (kukkucca) and moral shame (hiri-ottappa) emerge.
Take the example of Aṅgulimāla from the Buddha's time. When he ordained and meditated, the memories of his past killings surfaced vividly. This shows that with mindfulness, we see our past actions clearly—whether right or wrong.
Without mindfulness, however, our judgment of our own conduct remains unclear.
The Buddha taught us not to dwell on the past. Past events should only serve as our teachers to develop wisdom. We should cut off attachment to past memories since they cannot be changed. They should only serve as memories for developing wisdom, and we should abide in the present Dhamma. After hearing the Buddha's teachings, Aṅgulimāla was eventually became an arahant.
It's similar to my own experience. When I meditate, I also recall the mischievous and unwholesome deeds I did in the past. Until one day, I saw an image of my mother visiting me in prison. In that scene, my mother was crying when she visited me in jail. During meditation, my whole body trembled naturally.
I wondered why this happened? Then realized it was because of the fear of unwholesome kamma, i.e. the unwholesome kamma of causing my parents' sorrow. This fear made my body tremble.
Then I remembered the Buddha's teaching that the past is gone and cannot be changed. The most important thing is the present. We should focus on doing good deeds in the present, accumulating merits in the here and now. Hearing that meditation brings the greatest merit, so I devoted myself wholeheartedly to practice.
I made a determination: having caused my parents to suffer as if dragging them to hell while still alive. Now, I will transform myself, so they may ascend to heaven while still alive.
In the past, when my mother thought of me, she felt pain because she worried about me doing bad things, losing something, or even dying. But now, I have been able to make her happy when she thinks of me. She smiles when she thinks of me because she sees her child has been a monk for so long, has become an abbot, and has done many things for the benefit of others. I believe I have made my mother happy enough to ascend to heaven.
I realized that if I tried to repay my mother with worldly wealth, it would only benefit this life.
But now, I have taught my mother how to practice generosity (dāna), observe precepts (sīla), and meditate (bhāvanā). With these noble wealth, she can benefit not only in this life but also achieve heavenly realms and nibbāna. Giving her the wealth of nibbāna is truly repaying the debt of gratitude to parents.
When we can share noble wealth with others, sharing the Dhamma, this wealth of Dhamma is inexhaustible. The Buddha said that the gift of Dhamma surpasses all gifts.
So when we meditate and recall past wrongdoings, we shouldn't be afraid. Instead, we should focus on improving ourselves and becoming better.
---Ajahn Golf 阿贊高爾夫 อาจารย์กอล์ฟ. Phra Surawat Khemachitto (Ajahn Golf)
13/12/2023 @ 菩提心园Penang Bodhi Heart Sanctuary, George Town, Pulau Penang, Malaysia
摘錄自 Excerpted from：
https://www.facebook.com/100087367309533/videos/886307866129924
